Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Jesus

I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and safe and prosperous New Year.  I also want to say Happy Birthday to our Lord Jesus Christ.

Wishing for everyone who is in a depressed state to know that it is ok.  The holidays are hard.  They have been for me.  My Christmas spirit has been missing.  However, tonight I went to a beautiful and simple Christmas eve service.  It brought me to tears because the message is so simple.  There is joy in the knowledge of His purpose.  I realized tonight, more than ever, it is my pupose to spread the joy of Jesus' birth and life and death and resurrection from death to cover our sins.  So there is joy in our journey.

Again very Merry Christmas to all. M.

Saturday, December 17, 2011


Hello again friends.  I know its been a while since I posted.  I want to talk tonight about another sign of clinical depression: insomnia.  Obviously as I write this it is on my mind since I have it now and cannot sleep regardless of how tired I feel.  Insomnia can cause more anxiety and more time for your mind to "run", instead of resting. I don't have an answer for this except to say there is a verse in the Bible (I can't find it right now) that assures us of a good night's sleep/rest.  So on a positive note, I will stand on God's promise to give me a good night's sleep.  I will go back to bed and know that sleep will come. 

When sleep doesn't come, I have found the best use of that time is to be in prayer or to read the Word.  There is a sense of peace that comes over you when you spend time in the word and prayer, communing with God.

Hope everyone gets a good night sleep.  Good night, M.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Peaceful Sheep

One sign of clinical depression is a lack of patience, which is really a lack of inner peace.  I easily get irriated these days with small things like a crowded store, several people in a line, my kids bickering amongst themselves.  It is as unpleasant a feeling for me and I am sure it makes people around me uncomfortable as well. 

On a positive note, I heard a study on sheep.  I can't remember the name of the show I heard it on, but it really got me thinking about sheep.  Sheep seem to me to be very calm and peaceful animals.  When I think of sheep, I think of their white fuzzy shapes on a hillside or in a field grazing peacefully.

Sheep are commonly thought of as dumb animals.  However, sheep know the sound of one voice, their shepherd.  Their shepherd is their savior.  He keeps them safe.  He leads them to food and water and leads them into the safety of the sheepfold at night.  When they hear his voice, they move to him.  I want to be like a sheep; follow my Shepherd's voice.  I know God will lead me to green pastures and cool water and to safety.

Later on that day, I found a wool sweater with sheep on it at a local thrift store.  I bought it to wear and remind myself to follow Jesus like a sheep.

Peacefully, M.

Saturday, November 26, 2011


I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  It is my favorite time of the year.  Now we're headed into the season of our Savior's birth.  Truly amazing things happen at Christmas.

Through all the holiday traditions and excitment, I still feel empty.  Empty of energy, empty of purpose, empty of everything except loneliness and time.  I've physically accomplished several things over the past 3 days; made a big dinner, helped make and deliver a birthday surprise present, gotten our Christmas pictures, helped put up one small Christmas tree for my girls, and wrapped all the Christmas presents.  Today I am setting up at a Christmas Open House.  I have no energy to get dressed and get the girls ready to go.  I need to sell some items to finish my Christmas shopping.  But it takes energy and all I feel is empty.

I've decided that when people ask me how I'm doing, instead of saying, "I'm suffering through clinical depression", I'll say, "I'm fighting through clinical depression".  That is true, it is a fight to get my life back to normal, whatever normal is.

Positive thought: yesterday while watching a sermon preached by Jentzen Franklin, I heard a wonderful analogy.  Jentzen held up a glow stick (like kids play with).  It doesn't glow with light until you bend and break it.  That is how we best show God's light and shine with it; when we have been bent and broken.  Funny thing, I found a broken glow stick in my driveway just after hearing the sermon.  Thought I may keep it as a reminder that all this depression I am fighting through will let God's light shine through me.

Have a blessed day.

Fighting through depression, M.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


Have you ever had that trapped feeling?  One in which you didn't know which way to turn.  That is my depression feeling for today. It really surprises me how many emotions and feelings we have during clinical depression.

I know I need to get a job, the bills are piling up, there is no extra money to do anything.  All of this is putting me in panic mode.  Take a deep breath, calm down, all will be well.  Remember that old hymnal, "It is well, it is well with my soul"?  That will be my mantra today.  I will continue to do my Joyce Meyer bible study: Battlefield of the Mind.  Spending time with our Lord is always calming.

Thanks to all of you who read this blog.  It is my goal that it may help someone who may be going through the same thing. 

Monday, November 21, 2011


Yesterday I wrote about the fear and panic felt during depression.  Today I wanted to talk about the feelings I am having with emptiness.

The kids are off to school, laundry has been sorted and started, kitchen cleaned up.  Now what?  I could do my bible study. I could call a friend.  I could write encouraging notes.  No, none of that will do.  I am empty.  I don't even feel the need to sleep that I so often do.  Emptiness is just as scary as fear or panic.  You don't know where to go or what to do.  You are filled with a day that you haven't filled with anything because you aren't filled with anything.  This is the place where people say we (those that are lonely and depressed) should reach out to help others in need.  I agree with that.  I'm just too empty to do anything about it right now.

For years I have thought of emptiness as laziness.  Now I'm not quite sure.  In clinical depression you have nothing extra to give.  If you're lucky you save up what little energy you have to fulfill your necessary duties, like fixing dinner and helping the kids with their homework.  Being "up" for them so they don't feel the scariness of my depression is very important to me.

The ironic thing is that the whole time I was working, this is where I wanted to be.  I wanted to be at home cleaning and cooking and doing Bible Study.  So why isn't it enough now.  Maybe the guilt of knowing that we need my income and I know no longer have job.  Maybe because no one realizes how bad I really feel. 

That is another chapter in the emptiness of depression.  No one really gets it; unless they've been there themselves.  No one really gets how bad you feel or how little energy you have.  They just say cheer up, stay busy, help someone else.  But when you really feel lifeless and have no energy to give, its just too hard.

The good news is that I know that feelings are fleeting and wishy-washy.  I know I am filled with Christ no matter how empty I feel.  That is enough.

Til another time, M.

Sunday, November 20, 2011


Fear is not our friend.  It is not from God. It is from the enemy and we need to fight it with all the might given us by God. 

We had family photos taken today and it should have been a fun experience.  However, I felt in panic mode the whole time.  I have been fighting fear all day.  It is a dark and scary place.  For the photographer to have to remind me to smile, well that told me something right there.  I can put a smile on my face anytime.  But fear, fear steals the smiles.

Fear, get away in the name of Jesus Christ, who shed His blood for me.  I will fight against you with my Godly weapons.  Thank you, Jesus.

Relentlessly following Jesus,