Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Jesus

I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and safe and prosperous New Year.  I also want to say Happy Birthday to our Lord Jesus Christ.

Wishing for everyone who is in a depressed state to know that it is ok.  The holidays are hard.  They have been for me.  My Christmas spirit has been missing.  However, tonight I went to a beautiful and simple Christmas eve service.  It brought me to tears because the message is so simple.  There is joy in the knowledge of His purpose.  I realized tonight, more than ever, it is my pupose to spread the joy of Jesus' birth and life and death and resurrection from death to cover our sins.  So there is joy in our journey.

Again very Merry Christmas to all. M.

Saturday, December 17, 2011


Hello again friends.  I know its been a while since I posted.  I want to talk tonight about another sign of clinical depression: insomnia.  Obviously as I write this it is on my mind since I have it now and cannot sleep regardless of how tired I feel.  Insomnia can cause more anxiety and more time for your mind to "run", instead of resting. I don't have an answer for this except to say there is a verse in the Bible (I can't find it right now) that assures us of a good night's sleep/rest.  So on a positive note, I will stand on God's promise to give me a good night's sleep.  I will go back to bed and know that sleep will come. 

When sleep doesn't come, I have found the best use of that time is to be in prayer or to read the Word.  There is a sense of peace that comes over you when you spend time in the word and prayer, communing with God.

Hope everyone gets a good night sleep.  Good night, M.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Peaceful Sheep

One sign of clinical depression is a lack of patience, which is really a lack of inner peace.  I easily get irriated these days with small things like a crowded store, several people in a line, my kids bickering amongst themselves.  It is as unpleasant a feeling for me and I am sure it makes people around me uncomfortable as well. 

On a positive note, I heard a study on sheep.  I can't remember the name of the show I heard it on, but it really got me thinking about sheep.  Sheep seem to me to be very calm and peaceful animals.  When I think of sheep, I think of their white fuzzy shapes on a hillside or in a field grazing peacefully.

Sheep are commonly thought of as dumb animals.  However, sheep know the sound of one voice, their shepherd.  Their shepherd is their savior.  He keeps them safe.  He leads them to food and water and leads them into the safety of the sheepfold at night.  When they hear his voice, they move to him.  I want to be like a sheep; follow my Shepherd's voice.  I know God will lead me to green pastures and cool water and to safety.

Later on that day, I found a wool sweater with sheep on it at a local thrift store.  I bought it to wear and remind myself to follow Jesus like a sheep.

Peacefully, M.

Saturday, November 26, 2011


I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  It is my favorite time of the year.  Now we're headed into the season of our Savior's birth.  Truly amazing things happen at Christmas.

Through all the holiday traditions and excitment, I still feel empty.  Empty of energy, empty of purpose, empty of everything except loneliness and time.  I've physically accomplished several things over the past 3 days; made a big dinner, helped make and deliver a birthday surprise present, gotten our Christmas pictures, helped put up one small Christmas tree for my girls, and wrapped all the Christmas presents.  Today I am setting up at a Christmas Open House.  I have no energy to get dressed and get the girls ready to go.  I need to sell some items to finish my Christmas shopping.  But it takes energy and all I feel is empty.

I've decided that when people ask me how I'm doing, instead of saying, "I'm suffering through clinical depression", I'll say, "I'm fighting through clinical depression".  That is true, it is a fight to get my life back to normal, whatever normal is.

Positive thought: yesterday while watching a sermon preached by Jentzen Franklin, I heard a wonderful analogy.  Jentzen held up a glow stick (like kids play with).  It doesn't glow with light until you bend and break it.  That is how we best show God's light and shine with it; when we have been bent and broken.  Funny thing, I found a broken glow stick in my driveway just after hearing the sermon.  Thought I may keep it as a reminder that all this depression I am fighting through will let God's light shine through me.

Have a blessed day.

Fighting through depression, M.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


Have you ever had that trapped feeling?  One in which you didn't know which way to turn.  That is my depression feeling for today. It really surprises me how many emotions and feelings we have during clinical depression.

I know I need to get a job, the bills are piling up, there is no extra money to do anything.  All of this is putting me in panic mode.  Take a deep breath, calm down, all will be well.  Remember that old hymnal, "It is well, it is well with my soul"?  That will be my mantra today.  I will continue to do my Joyce Meyer bible study: Battlefield of the Mind.  Spending time with our Lord is always calming.

Thanks to all of you who read this blog.  It is my goal that it may help someone who may be going through the same thing. 

Monday, November 21, 2011


Yesterday I wrote about the fear and panic felt during depression.  Today I wanted to talk about the feelings I am having with emptiness.

The kids are off to school, laundry has been sorted and started, kitchen cleaned up.  Now what?  I could do my bible study. I could call a friend.  I could write encouraging notes.  No, none of that will do.  I am empty.  I don't even feel the need to sleep that I so often do.  Emptiness is just as scary as fear or panic.  You don't know where to go or what to do.  You are filled with a day that you haven't filled with anything because you aren't filled with anything.  This is the place where people say we (those that are lonely and depressed) should reach out to help others in need.  I agree with that.  I'm just too empty to do anything about it right now.

For years I have thought of emptiness as laziness.  Now I'm not quite sure.  In clinical depression you have nothing extra to give.  If you're lucky you save up what little energy you have to fulfill your necessary duties, like fixing dinner and helping the kids with their homework.  Being "up" for them so they don't feel the scariness of my depression is very important to me.

The ironic thing is that the whole time I was working, this is where I wanted to be.  I wanted to be at home cleaning and cooking and doing Bible Study.  So why isn't it enough now.  Maybe the guilt of knowing that we need my income and I know no longer have job.  Maybe because no one realizes how bad I really feel. 

That is another chapter in the emptiness of depression.  No one really gets it; unless they've been there themselves.  No one really gets how bad you feel or how little energy you have.  They just say cheer up, stay busy, help someone else.  But when you really feel lifeless and have no energy to give, its just too hard.

The good news is that I know that feelings are fleeting and wishy-washy.  I know I am filled with Christ no matter how empty I feel.  That is enough.

Til another time, M.

Sunday, November 20, 2011


Fear is not our friend.  It is not from God. It is from the enemy and we need to fight it with all the might given us by God. 

We had family photos taken today and it should have been a fun experience.  However, I felt in panic mode the whole time.  I have been fighting fear all day.  It is a dark and scary place.  For the photographer to have to remind me to smile, well that told me something right there.  I can put a smile on my face anytime.  But fear, fear steals the smiles.

Fear, get away in the name of Jesus Christ, who shed His blood for me.  I will fight against you with my Godly weapons.  Thank you, Jesus.

Relentlessly following Jesus,

Panic Attacks

You would be surprised if you knew how many people have panic attacks.  Many people think they are having a heart attack, when its panic. (If you are not sure, please get it checked out ASAP).  It keeps people from going places and living a full life.

I had one last night.  I knew what it was but was helpless to stop it.  All because 2 of my kids went to a school play to which my son drove. The play was supposed to be over at 9 or 9:30.  Well we were at a friend's house having dinner and watching a movie.  But from the minute they left, I zoned everything and everyone else out.  I couldn't concentrate or carry on a conversation.  Then they texted me and said it was running late and they wouldn't be home til after 10pm.  Visions of every mom's imaginable fear began to take shape in my mind and my mind took control; or better described as lost control.  I paced, got a migraine and got sick at my stomach.  When we went home and they texted me they were getting ready to leave, I alternated praying at the cross in my living room to watching the road for headlights, to pacing, to cleaning, to starting the whole process over.  I have never been so grateful to see headlights coming in my driveway.  And when my teenage daughter asked me to tuck her in, I was thrilled.

Now this is probably normal for parents whose kids are just starting to drive.  But my depression and anxiety kicked it into overdrive.  It was miserable for me and everyone around me.  I'm sure the effects of this are one reason I am up at 5:30am on a Sunday morning typing my blog and drinking ginger tea to sooth my stomach.

I write this again with the hope that it will help someone else.  It helps to know we are not the only one going through such things and that other people do experience some of the same pain and suffering that we are.  I have no answer for the panic attacks other than praying, staying busy, and knowing your not alone.

Relentlessly in search of our Savior's peace, M.

Friday, November 18, 2011

The Perfect Storm

If you get a chance, watch Wednesday's with Beth Moore on Life Today with James Robison.  This week and last she was talking about the perfect storm.  There was a movie based on a true story about the perfect storm some years ago.  There is also a story in the Bible about Paul and Luke in a boat being hit by the perfect storm.  In general terms, a perfect storm is when you get storms coming at you from different directions hitting all at the the same time. 

Sometimes life is like that.  We are hit by several storms at once.  Depression can feel like that.  You already feel depressed and then the washer breaks, or you lose your job, or kids are failing a class.  You get the picture. 

I write this because I thought it was a good analogy of life and depression.  Maybe it will help someone understand.

Relentlessly in pursuit of our Saviour, M.

Staying Busy

It is one of the first things people will tell you when they find out you are suffering from depression.  Well there are some days you just can't make yourself do it.  Sometimes putting one foot in front of the other is too much.  However, today I cleaned most of my house, had a friend color my hair and baked cookies.  Truly I had to play "mind games" with myself.  I set the timer for 20 minutes and raced around working.  I would take a 5 minute break then go for 20 more minutes.  I got alot done in 2 hours, but by then I was wiped out.  If my friend wasn't here, I would have probably gone to bed and not finished.  Instead, she colored my hair and helped me finish up the cleaning.  Thank you to my good friend.

I ended up taking a 2 hour nap which was well needed, then got up and made cookies before the kids got home.  I actually feel a little accomplishment.  That in itself is an accomplishment.  I even walked for 20 minutes.

Maybe there is some truth to keeping busy.  It isn't always possible, but for me today it was.  I am grateful.

Relentlessly, M.

Thursday, November 17, 2011


I just can't get the word relentless off my mind. So I decided to look it up. The definition according to of RELENTLESS is: " that doesn't relent; unyieldingly severe, strict, or harsh; unrelenting."  Well that sounded harsh to me, not the wonderful way I percieve it.  So I looked up  UNRELENTING.  According to that word means "not yielding or swerving in determination or resolution, as of or from opinions, convictions, ambitions, ideals, etc; inflexible."  Another meaning is "maintaining speed, effort, vigor, intensity, rate of advance etc."

That sounds more like the relentless that I'm talking about.  We need to be unyielding and not swerving in our determination or resolution of our convictions and ideals in Christ.  No matter where we are on our journey, whether it be through depression or not, we need to continue to pursue God relentlessly. He wants us to spend time with Him; oh how He loves us with a passion.

We also need to be relentless in our pursuit to get help, to walk out of the fog of depression.  For ourselves, for our families, for our purpose in life. Refuse to give up or give in to depression.  Our God is sooooo much bigger than any depression is.  Let's seek ye the Kingdom with all our hearts and be relentless after God and His presence in and purpose for our life.

Relentlessly, M.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


Relentless...  what a wonderful word.  When beginning to write this blog I was thinking of how relentless depression can be.  But no sooner than I thought that, I thought how relentless is our God in pursuing us.  He is passionate for us and loves us so much! Just think - the Creator of the world wants to spend time with me and you and each and everyone of us.  We are so precious to Him.  He pursues us with passion.  It's time we do the same and pursue Him in the same way.

Relentless... Depression ain't got nothing on God's relentlessness.  God wins every time!  Thank you Lord Jesus!


Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Today's Journey

Today's Journey has been almost unbearable.  The depression hits hard.  I can't think of a harder day in a long time.  I have no energy to write this, but I feel it is important to journal the emotions that we deal with when depressed. I have cried, been anxious, been humbled to my core. I cry out for mercy from the Heavenly Father, the Great Physican to pull me out of the slimy pit (read in Psalms) and put my feet on solid ground.  I cry out for the peace that only Christ can give, the peace that passes all earthly understanding.

If there is anything like hell on earth, I think this depression qualifies.  However, I know that He has plans for me, plans to help and not harm me.  I will rest in that this afternoon.

God bless,

Monday, November 14, 2011

Another Day in the Life of Depression

Today was not much better than yesterday for me (see yesterday's blog).  I went grocery shopping and had a very close call with a panic attack so that I thought I'd have to go home.  But I didn't.  I calmed myself down and finished shopping.  I worry so about money that I'm afraid to spend it since I'm out of a job.  But I have to give that to God.  I think this is his time of treating me to being home with my kids, helping with homework, making homecooked meals, exercising, bible study, and just me time.  This is what I really want anyway.

I followed my own advice and stayed busy, put on some fun music to dance to while working in the kitchen, took a short nap, and did laundry.  Once the kids got home we had several things we had to get done, along with homework and dinner.  I am so very tired.  Again, I stress the feeling of nothing ever changing and not having accomplished anything.

I write these things not to complain, but to let others out there know they aren't alone.  There are many of us who suffer from these feelings and our coping mechanisms don't always work.  It is so important to first consult our Great Physican, Almighty God, and let him lead you to the right Christian counselor and/or psychatrist.  Read positive books and listen to positive cds.  Some of my favorites are Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind (which is my current bible study) and anything by Joel Osteen and Jentzen Franklin.  They are very positive and very biblically based.  As Paul said, "keep the faith".  Hope you find some help in my words. 

Til next time,

Sunday, November 13, 2011

At its worst

Today has not been a fun day.  I would not have written a blog except that I thought it might help someone else.  My depression and anxiety took over early this morning and didn't want to loosen their hold on me.  Nothing satisfied me.  Nothing helped.  I felt sad, hopeless, and distressed.  I couldn't even go to church.  I just wanted to go to sleep and sleep all day.  I started with a migraine.  However sleep eluded me.  I tried to do my bible study, yet I couldn't focus on any one word, much less sentence.

Finally I decided to take a shower and get dressed up and see if I would feel better.  When I was finished, my husband came and asked me to help him with a chore.  Of course it was the last thing I wanted to do (running the wood splitter).  However I said yes.  I can only say that it took my mind of myself (which is very important when depressed) and he said I really helped him.  It also plum tuckered me out.  I came home, took another shower and slept for 2 hours.  Since then I have been cooking dinner and cleaning the kitchen.

I can honestly say that I am ready for sleep to come tonight.  Days aren't always this bad and I am ready for this one to be over.  I am mentally and physically tired. 

So to those of you out there who have these times/days, know that you aren't alone.  I still know I have won the victory.  I know the end of the story.  Jesus comes back for all those who believe in Him.  So I win. I may have lost some battleground today, but victory in the end is mine.  And yours too.

In Christ,

Anxiety - Part 2

If you read my post from yesterday, you know that I was having a great deal of anxiety.  I made it through with no major meltdowns :)  I kept busy.  I had a charming visit with a lady from my church.  I did some cleaning.  I fixed a broken bookshelf by myself. Of course I had a nap.  I made homemade soup for dinner.  My Nanny used to always tell me that staying busy was good for the mind.  I believe she is right.  Still on the job hunt, nothing new there yet.

Did you know that there were several great servants of God who suffered from depression and anxiety.  Moses told God he couldn't speak well enough and wanted his brother to do it for him.  David, a man after God's own heart, suffered at times with depression.  I believe it was Elijah (please don't quote me on that) who went out in the desert to be alone in his depression.  So those of us who suffer from depression are in good company. 

The positive news:  God led all of them out of their depression.  He will do the same for us.  Thank you Lord for your help.  Have a wonderful Sunday everyone.

In Christ,

Saturday, November 12, 2011


Anxiety is a great friend of depression.  It is possible to have one or the other or both.  I happen to have both.  Prime example: both of my daughters have the opportunity to train at a horse camp today.  I am thrilled that they have this opportunity.  However I am very nervous, especially about my youngest one, who doesn't have any riding experience.  I trust the owner/instructor completely and we have been riding with her for over 10 years.  My son is at work and my husband is hunting.  I have a free day to myself.  I thought I would clean the house and work on some Christmas projects while watching a movie.  Then I am making a delicious supper.  Don't forget a nap in there too. LOL  However, my anxiety is making me feel as if I am going to throw up.  Will I be able to enjoy my day without the worry?

Positive news:  I will put my worry in the hands of my God who understands and is in control anyway.  I am certainly not in control.  I will meditate on Psalms 91, which I consider one of the best protection prayers.  Read it yourself and see if it doesn't bring you peace.

Will update on how my day goes later.  Have a wonderful Saturday.

In Christ,

Friday, November 11, 2011


Exercise is very important to everyone.  It helps your body, mind, and spirit.  Exercise is very important to clear the cobwebs/fuzzies from your brain.  It gets the chemicals in your brain and body start to flowing.  You can listen to great praise and worship music, uplifting messages, or pray while exercising.  I find I feel stronger after I have exercised.  That is why I try to do it first thing in the am.  I am not always successfull, but I keep on trying.

God didn't intend for us to be couch potatoes.  We have to get up and get moving.  Just another tip to help deal with depression.

In Christ,

Good Morning

Good morning everyone!  It is a lovely day, even if it is blustery.  I'm feeling very spirited and joyful this morning.  I am so thankful for that.  Remember, how we talked about feelings are flighty in a past post.  For some reason I got up at 12:30 am and couldn't sleep again.  I did all kinds of stuff around the house and am now ready for a busy day.  I am still hoping to get a little nap in this afternoon.

I promised some good information about depression for today's blog.  Well here goes, in my own opinion/words.  Many people think depression is just feeling down.  They tell you, "You need to snap out of it" or "It's all in your head" (well I guess it is literally in our head LOL).  Even your Christian friends may tell you this.  Also many Christians think it is wrong to go to your doctor for medication.  They may say you don't have enough faith to get healed on your own, etc.  People that have never experienced true depression themselves or gone through it with a loved one do not understand.  It is a chemical imbalance in your brain.  That is a physical issue.

Here's the good news.  There is no shame in going to a doctor for help.  If he/she feels you need medicine to help balance the chemicals in your brain, it's ok.  It would be the same for high blood pressure or high cholestrol.  There is also no shame in getting counseling from a good Christian counselor.  It helps.  We need to do whatever it takes to get healed.  Whatever it takes to be there for our families.  God made our brains and the way they work.  He is the Great Physician. Pray and He will lead you in the right direction.

Have a great day!  M.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Today's Journey - Part 2

Got a good nap today. Didn't get the other 3 accomplishments done, but hoping to fold clothes tonight.  I would really like to have snuggled with my kids and watch a movie, but they were too busy fighting.  So supper is cooked and I am waiting on my hubby to get home so we can eat together.

I wish I could tell you I felt better, but I don't.  I feel tired and sad.

One thing to point out.  This is the time of the year that many people suffer from "seasonal depression".  Once it starts getting darker earlier and we don't have as much sunlight, it can cause depression.  I know this can be an issue for many people and I thought it worth mentioning.

Positive note: "After all, tomorrow is another day" and I have some great news to post for people who suffer from depression.


Today's Journey - Part 1

Hello friends,

I'm about 5 hours into today's journey.  I have fixed a light bulb has been out for a year or more and not easy to change.  I organized the books that the girls cleaned out last night.  I put away some stuff in the storage area.  And finally, I took a look at my bank statement.  Girlfriends/Guyfriends, you may or may not know this feeling, but to have to face up to how much money I have spent, knowing that I just lost my job, well it is for me one of the most overwhelming and frighting things I have to do.  So I did it.  Then I took my daughter a book to school that she forgot.  Now that I have done these tasks, I sit down to relax and post on my blog.

See yesterday's blog - there is no feeling of accomplishment, even after staying up until midnight folding clothes.  I just want to sleep.  So I will reward myself with an afternoon nap.  Then I will accomplish 3 other things that I want done today.  It is a struggle.  I describe it as walking into a brick wall.  When you do that everyday, it gets old.

Positive note:  I will come through this.  David says in Psalms that "God pulled him out of the slimy pit" and He will do that for me.  God is no respecter of persons; if He says He will do it, He will do it for all of us who love Him.  And I do love Him with all my heart.  Thank you Lord for reaching down, taking my hand, your beloved, and pulling me out of this slimy pit of depression and setting me on the solid rock foundation of your Word, your Truth.

Will post later, till then, M.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Today's Journey

Today's journey:  I completely cleaned and rearranged my daughters' room.  It was absolutely a mess.  I hate cleaning and a messy house shuts me down like nothing else can.  I called a good friend by and she came to help.  In about 4 hours we had it done.  Then my dad took us out to lunch.  Now all the girls have to do is put there stuff back in place.  When they got home from school, I showed them their surprise.  They were thrilled and love it!

Shouldn't I feel great?  Shouldn't I feel accomplished?  Shouldn't I feel proud of myself?  I did the task.  I am glad I did it.  But I didn't "feel" great, accomplished or proud.  I just felt tired.  That's how depression works.  I should have felt very accomplished, especially because I had only planned to clean off everything.  Then I was going to rearrange the room tomorrow.  I would have stopped about 30 minutes to an hour into the project if my friend hadn't been here.  That's another way depression works.  Things/projects/situations tend to shut you down.  It is very easy for me to shut down.

The positivie point for today is this:  I did the job and finished it.  It is ok that I had a friend to help and support me.  We need the support and help of our friends. My girls are very pleased and I did that for them.  Feelings are overrated.  We have to know and hold the truth of God's word and love in our hearts and our minds.  He loves me; He's proud of what I did.  I am His beloved daughter.  Thank you God for this.  And whether I feel it or not, I know You love me.

Til next time,

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


Each one of us has a God-given purpose.  For some of us like me, it takes a little longer to figure out what that purpose is.  I still haven't.  But I know I have one.  So for me, starting this blog is about finding my purpose and my way.

I am in the midst of depression.  Depression is genetic in my family.  In fact, it is officially called a brain disease, just like you might have heart disease, or cancer.  It can be situational or genetic.  In my case it is both.  I wander through years where I feel like the strong, powerful woman God designed me to be.  Then I wander into the slimy pit of depression.  Sleeping alot, not focusing well, you get the picture.  Well that is where I am today.  It's so not fun.  It's so, well, depressing.

So here is the good news.  God gives us new grace each day to face each day, just like he gave His people manna on a daily basis.  But we have to choose to grab hold of it each and everyday.  His grace is sufficient every day.  I will walk through this.  I have never felt stronger in my faith.  I know my God loves me and He walks with me through this journey.  As a friend told me, this depression could be considered "a thorn in my side, my cross to bear", much like the apostle John said he was plagued with.  I can carry it with God by my side.  He's on your side too.  Have faith in your journey.

Til next time,

Starting out

This is my first blog. I love to journal and my blog will be an extension of that.  My purpose is to let others know that you can go through depression and come out on the other side.  Sometimes it takes weeks, sometimes longer.  The first thing I would say is to please seek professional help if you think you are depressed.  I am NOT a professional and can not and will not provide any professional help. What I will do is walk through my journey with God during my depression and share it with you.  I have suffered on and off with depression for years.  It's time for someone to let us know that God is with us during the journey.  Maybe that person is supposed to be me. 

Please know that you are not alone if you are going through depression.  Also know that it can be conquered.  Our God is SO much bigger than any depression.
Til next time,