Yesterday I wrote about the fear and panic felt during depression. Today I wanted to talk about the feelings I am having with emptiness.
The kids are off to school, laundry has been sorted and started, kitchen cleaned up. Now what? I could do my bible study. I could call a friend. I could write encouraging notes. No, none of that will do. I am empty. I don't even feel the need to sleep that I so often do. Emptiness is just as scary as fear or panic. You don't know where to go or what to do. You are filled with a day that you haven't filled with anything because you aren't filled with anything. This is the place where people say we (those that are lonely and depressed) should reach out to help others in need. I agree with that. I'm just too empty to do anything about it right now.
For years I have thought of emptiness as laziness. Now I'm not quite sure. In clinical depression you have nothing extra to give. If you're lucky you save up what little energy you have to fulfill your necessary duties, like fixing dinner and helping the kids with their homework. Being "up" for them so they don't feel the scariness of my depression is very important to me.
The ironic thing is that the whole time I was working, this is where I wanted to be. I wanted to be at home cleaning and cooking and doing Bible Study. So why isn't it enough now. Maybe the guilt of knowing that we need my income and I know no longer have job. Maybe because no one realizes how bad I really feel.
That is another chapter in the emptiness of depression. No one really gets it; unless they've been there themselves. No one really gets how bad you feel or how little energy you have. They just say cheer up, stay busy, help someone else. But when you really feel lifeless and have no energy to give, its just too hard.
The good news is that I know that feelings are fleeting and wishy-washy. I know I am filled with Christ no matter how empty I feel. That is enough.
Til another time, M.